Four

It's been a long time since I have updated my blog, mostly because I don't have any good news to report, only more bad. Usually I write to help process through the emotions, but have avoided writing for weeks, even though I actually have a lot to say. I think that it is a protective measure--the mind and body can only handle so much at one time. The mind regulates the amount of pain that it can take at one time to protect itself. So I think that my lack of writing has been, at least in part, self-preservation.

Since I was first diagnosed in April 2011, there was a suspicious spot on one of my ribs. I had been skiing--and falling a lot--just a few weeks before diagnosis and the spot was consistent with a bruise. The location of the spot made it difficult to biospy and the treatment plan would not change regardless of the results, so we went ahead with treatment and hoped that it was a bruise. After lots of chemo an my bilateral mastetcomy the spot on the rib was still there, ruling out the bruise theory. Still it was a bit of a mystery because the spot hadn't changed much during the chemo. The spot looked slightly brighter on the images, but not so much that it was conclusive. So, we decided to irradiate the area while doing the radiation to my chest wall and lymph nodes. Thanks to a fancy new radiation machine and a great radiation oncologist, they were able to do this without damaging my heart and with very little impact on my left lung.

I did a total of 38 radiation treatments, along with more chemo. I finished that round a treatment at the end of Novembr and took a much needed break from treatment. The radiation really wore me out and did a number on my skin. I try not to take pain medication, but by the end of radation I need narcotics to ease the pain.

Thankfully my skin healed relatively quickly after the stop of radiation and chemo--it's amazing what happens when they stop pumping you full of poison and burning you with radiation! Unfortunately, you have to wait for awhile to let the body recovery from the radiation to rescan and see if it worked. My oncologist decided that about 6 weeks was a good time to rescan. So I took off and visited my dad in Florida and Gess's sister, niece, mom, and grandma in Colorado. The trips were great and it was a good way to keep my mind off the cancer. The Florida sun was also incredible for my mood. I loved spending time at the beach and just relaxing.

When I got back from vacation I saw my oncologist who said that my blood counts looked good and thought that I could take another month or so off to let my body get even stronger and recover more fully from the barage of treatment I had been through. My oncologist explained to me that my body had not had a chance to recover from even the first round of chemotherapy because of the continual course of treatment. Needless to say, I was pretty excited. A month of life without treatment sounds like heaven! The only caveat was that I need to have an MRI to check the status of the spot on the rib.

I had my MRI on January 20th, a Friday morning. I felt guardly optimistic and was nearly giddy about my continued "cancer vacation." I also had my first post-chemo haircut...meaning I had enough hair to actually have a cut. I saw a great stylist who cleaned up my curls and also gave me a little sassy red. I walked out of the stylist's chair feeling good. As I walked into the changing room to get ready to leave, I checked my phone to see a message from my oncologist on my phone. I checked it and my heart sank. My oncologist apologized for leaving the news on my voicemail, but knew that I was anxious to get the MRI results and he had to step out of the office. The news was bad--the MRI showed a spot on my lung. It could be an infection, he cautioned. But it could also be the cancer spreading. The spot on the rib also looked somewhat improved, again, not good news but still inconclusive because of the radiation side-effects. I immediately called my oncologist back and talked to him briefly. He said that I needed a needle biopsy of the spot on my lung and we scheduled that for the following week.

The next week the full MRI report was in and I saw a copy when I had a follow-up with my radiation oncologist. He also showed me the MRI films and I saw the tumors. There was not just one as was noted with the radiologist's preliminary telephone report, but at least five--four in the left lung, one in the right lung. I asked my radiation oncologist if an infection coiuld present with this many spots and with them in both lungs. He said that it was possible, but not extremely likley. I could tell from his face that he thought that it was cancer. My friend Sandy thought it was cancer too. She arranged to be at my next oncology appointment.

I had the lung biopsy--not a fun procedure--and then played the waiting game yet again. I knew thta my oncologist would call immediately if the pathology came back negative, so by the time I walked into his office, I knew that the result was positive and he immediately confirmed my intuition. The cancer had spread to my lungs. It is stage IV. The oncologist also said that rib lesion was cancer--so I was stage IV from the beginning.

The statistics for stage IV breast cancer are not good. The median survival is about 2 years. And I've already spent 10 of those months, meaning I could have about 14 months left. The range for survival is wide, however, with people living longer or shorter. My oncologist said that there is a chance that I could live for awhile with the disease if we find the right chemo. But the reality is that the prognosis is not good. My cancer has proven to be very aggressive and has continued to grow despite aggressive chemo treatment. There are still some more drugs that we can try, but there is a good chance that they won't work. I'm not giving up hope, but I am also realistic about my options. I do not want to live the rest of my life being sick from the chemo. I want to enjoy the time that I have left with my loved ones, but I'm also a fighter.

For now that means that I am going through chemo. It does make me sick, but it is bearable for now. I had 3 weeks of treatment and now have one week off. Next week I start another cycle. After that I will have another scan to see if the chemo has worked.